The Veeps Go Head to Command Center

It is a common fact that George W. Bush is a far easier target for humorists than the President, Codpiece Cheney, who as an insistently dreary figure in American politics, leaves no room for satirical attack.  Bush is an easy target because he looks as bad on TV as he does on paper.  One look at the Presidential Debate transcript (which can be found at http://www.debates.org/pages/trans2004a.html) will find such hilarious malapropisms as:

BUSH: In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough.  It's hard work.  It's incredibly hard.  You know why?  Because an enemy realizes the stakes.  The enemy understands a free Iraq will be a major defeat in their ideology of hatred.  That's why they're fighting so vociferously.  

Vociferously?  No wonder they're earning so much hatred.  The American soldiers are shouting their heads off on the streets of Baghdad.  What's next?  "We find ourselves fighting terror oftenly, frequentfully...It's hard work."  Ha ha, et cetera, et cetera.

But Cheney is a different figure altogether.  Hunched, saturnine, scary.  His congeniality last night was painfully forced.  I was worried for Gwen Ifills.  Cheney was mentioning her name every five words ("Gwen, I believe Edwards' record does not point to a desire for World Domination -mine does.  Gwen, tell Camera Operator A to stop focusing on the pasty side of my face.  While you're at it, Gwen, tell Camera Operator B to stop panning in on the evil, shadowy side of my face.  I'll have you all working for the Halliburton-owned...well, everything...Anyway, grrrrr").

It seemed as if he were repeating "Gwen" to himself in order to remember it when he writes it down on his Enemies' List, which incidentally, also contains Carrot Top and the name of an Olive Garden waiter who brought him his salad at the same time as his lasagna (that ticks a lot of people off).  Edwards, no doubt, is already on the same list.  But I believe he held his own:

EDWARDS: Listen carefully to what the vice president is saying.  Because there is no connection between Saddam Hussein and the attacks of September 11th -period.  The 9/11 Commission has said that's true.  Colin Powell has said it's true.  But the vice president keeps suggesting that there is.  There is not.

Cheney's vaguely threatening, vaguely hungry look (as if he wanted to bite Edwards' head off and then bathe it in Thousand Island dressing) may make some Wyoming rancher feel cozy in his mud-caked boots, but not this non-Wyomingian (sic?).  Any why does it not make me feel better about Cheney when he claims not to have any aspirations beyond the vice-presidential office?  Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much, and his statement below makes me wonder what he -and Halliburton- have cooked for us for the next four years.

CHENEY: I think it's worked in part because I made it clear that I don't have any further political aspirations myself.  And I think that's been an advantage.  I think it allows the president to know that my only agenda is his agenda.  I'm not worried about what some precinct committeemen in Iowa were thinking of me with respect to the next round of caucuses of 2008.

Well, I am not currently, a committeeman (my last political appointment was co-president of the Spanish Honors Society in '97; and the last committee I was on voted to end all committees), but all I have to say is, "Yes, Mr. Cheney, you should be worried about what people think of you.  We want a vice-president, not a Richelieu nor a puppeteer.  Now go say 'Gwen' to yourself a couple more times.  Remember, her name on your Enemies' List comes before 'India, Republic of' and 'Iverson, Allen'."

P.M. © 2004.

Comments

[Legal Beagle]

Marc B. was indicted for bribing FLA election officials, and for inciting one Ian to attack the head of the Marquee Committee. A scandal! Don't mention records to me, Sheryl, because the list of crimes committed by your Marcos is a long one indeed.

[Sheryl]

I was an advisor of Spanish Honors Society when you were President, and I have to say that you were the worst President ever. I'd have to say that we'd all be better off if that nice young man Marc was elected.

[The Editor]

According to my sources, Cheney was lying or honestly did not remember when he claimed he had never met Edwards prior to their debate. They were both present at the swearing in of Elizabeth Dole. They were also fellow contestants on Survivor: DC (but on different tribes).